If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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