JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
only if we run a train.
done.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
