ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize