Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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