so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
