nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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