you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
