Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
