Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
