Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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