I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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