I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
