12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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