Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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