walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
