the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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