God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
