I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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