I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
