it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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