just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
