he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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