A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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