Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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