My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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