My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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