Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
