Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
