just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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