Betty ford says i'm here all night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
