I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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