allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
