I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
