Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize