Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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