last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
