My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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