winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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