so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
