he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
