My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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