Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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