That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm sobbing to NWA
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
