When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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