you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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