so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
