Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am available for nakedness
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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