My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
