no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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