Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
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getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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