my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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