I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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