I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
