I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
