it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
