he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
